Snuggle Bear's 
Wrath of Terror

by Alice Teeple
background illustration by Sean McBride


 
 

I am terrified of Snuggle Bear.  Yes, that's right, the very same, cuddly adorable bear who speaks sotto voce and tells us how uterly SNUGGABLE out laundry would be if we used his fabric softener.

My fears are not irrational, despite your explosive peals of laughter.  And I am not alone in my fear of that detestable creature.

One wonders, first off, what the actual gender of Snuggle Bear is.  This question has been brought to my attention several times.  Snuggle's squeaky, androgynous voice continues to elude me.  I personally believe that Snuggle Bear is a male; however, given his total adoration for fabric softener, he utilizes it as his "beverage of choice," thus destroying his larnyx and effeminizing his voice.

But I am an open-minded individual.  If one lives a lifestyle other than "the norm," I consider myself quite tolerant.  If Snuggle Bear likes drinking his fabric softener; if Snuggle HAS no actual gender...that's his business, and I respect his privacy.  I am not frightened of Snuggle Bear for these reasons, creepy though they may seem.

Commercials which employ characters who jump out of things are terrifying enough, but Snuggle's appearances take the cake.  I can handle the Mrs. Butterworth bottle's treacle-sweet sololoquies about the yummy syrup inside of her.  I can (usually) watch the Rice Krispies elves without averting my eyes in fright. 

But Snuggle...Snuggle is a different story altogether.  I'm frightened of his consistent popping out of bottles; forcing moms and small children everywhere to "sniff" his towels.  Thanks to his antics, kids everywhere are "huffing" air fresheners.  I know it all started with Snuggle.  He has a trustworthy little face, doesn't he?

"Sniff these towels, little ones," he chirps.  "I'm full of snuggly goodness."

But children are curious.  Perhaps the towels DO smell good; but being inquisitive tots, they graduate to more intense methods of obtaining the Snuggle scent; often with tragic results.

As a child, my mom thought my persistent imploring of her not to purchase Snuggle fabric softener was rooted in my intense epidermal allergy to most soap products.  True, fabric softener is a waste of money, anyway.  But my cries of protest resulted from nightmares brought upon by the Snugle commercials, where I often dreamt of Snuggle escaping from out personal bottle, force-feeding me fabric softener and trying to smother me with a soft towel.

In conclusion, I would just like to request that the Snuggle company keep their evil little spokesbear under control; and, following the example of the tobacco industry, sponsor public-service announcements about the dangers of sniffing cleaning products.

Snuggle MUST be stopped.