We had to interview a woman in our major for this assignment, and sniff out any sort of possible sexism and injustice directed toward Said Woman, and ask them Pre-decided questions.  Hmmm.  I had a difficult time locating any other female INART students, namely because we are such a rogue department.
Oscar Wilde once said, "To find the truth you must invent it." Unfortunately, my Women's Studies teacher (a man) never heard of Oscar Wilde, and this little gem earned me a C-.

Unfortunately, there are not a lot of women in integrative arts, that I know of.  In fact, the only girl I know of in integrative arts who is here right now is me.  So I am going to interview myself, since your requirement didn’t say that I couldn’t.

Alice Teeple (aka me) is 22 years old.  She likes to draw cartoons, write stories, and play her accordion.  She is a single woman; a single woman with a fierce ambition to succeed in the illustration genre of fine arts.  She also likes to bake and sew; not because they are womanly things, but because they are fine outlets for creativity.  It is like, so Zen to eat your own art. 

So here I am, sitting here in this lab, talking to myself.  Well, I’m actually talking to Jason Tremblay.  It doesn’t look good if you talk to yourself.  People think you’re mad.  So I’ll interview myself in my head and just write it down.

Hi Alice.  It’s me.  I mean, I’m you.  I mean, oh, what’s it like being a woman in your major?

I think being a woman in my major involves a bipedal walking stance, a melon-sized cranium, no pronouncement of mammary glands to speak of, and pronounced myopia from sleeping with the lights on during my childhood.

What are the challenges in being a woman in my field?

Well, I’m of average height, so it is rather difficult reaching for things on high shelves, and there is always the hazard of standing on shaky chairs and stools.
The exact-o knife is the bane of my existence. Having inadvertently sliced off the tip of my right index finger last year, I have harboured a fear of the little bastards ever since.  I do not blame womanhood for this mishap.  I blame lack of sleep, and obsession over colour theory.
I am also left-handed.  The only difficulties I encounter are the occasional charcoal smudge or ink stain upon my lily-white flesh.  That’s about it.  I get along well with my cohorts, the competition is healthy, and I enjoy whatever it is that I do.  No worries.  That’s why integrative arts RULES!

So Alice, to what would you attribute your, I mean my, I mean, success in your, I mean my, I mean….integrative arts?

Well Alice, I’ll tell ya…I have no fucking clue.  I attribute my meagre local fame as a cartoonist to the fine trained monkeys at the Daily Collegian.  I believe my moderate success is generated through shrewd business manoeuvres and careful planning.  Serendipity plays a part in it too.  I have a knack for walking in on things.  I will do anything to get my work seen, so it has a chance to be seen by more important people who will give me candy (I like gummy-worms).  I want my legacy to be a decent one.  As my friend Steve would put it, I’m an art whore.  I don’t think that term as one necessarily being degrading; or being a woman that is the problem.  It’s others’ views of what artists are, that suck.  They have us targeted as a bunch of lackadasical space cadettes.  I disagree.  Artists are the hardest-working people I know.  We tend to be obsessive-compulsive and anal-retentive.  We must draw ideas from all aspects of life and present them in new ways.  We beautify the planet, make other people thing, and create a cultural identity.  It’s those who are jealous or who don’t appreciate us that are the chunks of dog vomit in this toilet bowl we call life.

Nicely-put, Me..
Thank me.

I’m welcome.  Who have been your professional role models?

Tim Burton,  Yahoo Serious, Paul Reubens, Jim Henson, Joan Cooney, Edward Gorey, Dorothy L. Sayers, They Might Be Giants, Nancy Drew, Danny Elfman, Frank Oz, Dennis Miller, Mike Myers, the guys who do Space Ghost, Jack Handey and the fine people who do Eek! The Cat.

Is that all?

Why did I ask that?  Don’t I already know?

Okay, fine.  Why do you like those people?

All of them are very creative.  Tim Burton and Yahoo Serious make great movies.  Paul Reubens was Pee Wee Herman AND he discovered Tim Burton.  Jim Henson invented the Muppets. Joan Cooney  invented the Children’s Television Workshop.  Edward Gorey drew creepy-yet-interesting drawings.  Dorothy L. Sayers wrote the best books EVER.  They Might Be Giants is my favourite band.  Nancy Drew had a lot of cool adventures.  Danny Elfman writes great music.  Frank Oz does the voices of Miss Piggy and Animal.  Dennis Miller is gifted with the ability to write profane eloquence.  The guys who do Space Ghost are pretty funny.  Contrary to the opinions of Jason Tremblay, Jack Handey does inded exist and he comes up with deep thoughts for the world to ponder.  The fine people who do Eek! The Cat bring a little more joy to my life.  How many of those role models are women?  Three.  How many exist in real life?  Two.  In the immortal diction of the agèd rock singer Meatloaf, "Two outta three ain’t bad."
Am I bothered by the fact tht my role models are mostly men?  Not at all.  These people did cool things, and I like them.  I want to steal their brains and make them into a brain for me.  Muahahahahhaha!
I don’t want a woman role model who’s everyone else’s role model too.  Take Mia Hamm, for instance.  She’s cool and can play soccer really well and all, but how does that apply to MY life?  I say, yay Mia, but I still don’t really care about soccer, other than the fact that I like to play it with other geeky friends who suck just as much as I do at soccer.  In my particular field of interest, I have, like, the Lamb Chop Lady.  It was a cute show, but there just aren’t a whole lot of women out there in children’s television; and, unfortunately, the Lamb Chop Lady passed away.
Even though she isn't a professional, I also get a lot of material from my sister Jane.  Jane is one of the funniest people I know.

How does being a woman student now compare to then I was in school?

That’s a stupid question.  I am still in school.  I am still a woman student. Nothing’s changed too much.  The LOOP is free and it wasn’t when I started here….and my hair is a little longer.  That’s about it.  Oh, yes.

What do you think of the women’s movement?

Why, what are they doing?  The cha-cha?  The Robot Dance?  I’m glad they are moving now; I never knew they were stationary. It’s good that women nowadays are out there, getting limber again.  I say, right on, sister!

What do you, I mean I, I mean…yeah….feminism?

What about it?

What does Alice Teeple think about it?

Well, Alice Teeple is taking this stupid class purely for the GS credit.  Alice Teeple does not give a darn tootin’ about feminism.  She says, quit your damn whining.  If the issue is really important, like for instance, domestic abuse or the Taliban, don’t belittle the problem by burning undergarments.  Be subtle but forceful.  Wear skirts and bake cookies.  Alice Teeple thinks Mary Poppins is a great feminist.  But do most people?  Probably not, except maybe Jason Tremblay, who is singing songs from the movie right now.

I have to think of a "follow-up" quesiton now.  So, how have you been?

Fine, thanks.  And yourself?

Pretty good.

This paper doesn’t have a whole lot to say, does it?

Not really.

So there you have it.  That’s Alice Teeple in a nutcase.  She likes her feminism to be low-key and worthwhile.  She wants to learn ventriloquism.
What did I learn about Alice Teeple?  Not much, since I AM her.  The one thing she can’t seem to figure out, though, is why our class was watching a lot of porn for no actual reason.  We know what it is, and we know it is disgusting, and we know that children can get their paws on it pretty easily.  So WHY ARE WE WATCHING IT EVERY DAY? HUH?

Alice Teeple thinks this class should have skipped that useless tidbit of nausea and just focussed on something more worthwhile, like pictures of turnips or something.

The End.

(Click on the turnip above to get back to Exquisite Dead Guy.)