It started out innocently enough. It's gotten to be well-known in my circle of friends that I enjoy filming stuff.  Weird things. Silly things. 

"Alice, would you mind doing me a favour?" asked Bob one blustery evening. 

Bob SEEMED normal, aside from the fact that he's eleven feet tall, rides a unicycle, comes from Australia, and looks somewhat like the Baker Doctor Who. 

"Okay, so..." as Bob starts every sentence he utters, "My friends and brother and I invented a new kind of musical genre over Christmas holiday, called Death Jazz. And my friend wants to make a video of all of us singing this song we made up. And since I'm not in Australia, would you mind filming my bit so I could send my friend the file?" 
 

Right. It's nice to help friends in need.  Bob was so far away from home.  I said sure. 

So good old Bob came by my place of work one night - which was, at the time, a costume store - and, after closing, we got him dressed up in this enormous purple vintage tuxedo and weird hat. 

"You want to be in this, too?" he asked.  Sure, any excuse to get dressed up in crazy clothes.  I selected a wacky 1950s number.  We goofed around in the store for about half an hour; filming mannequins; filming this weird mink stole with an entire head attached to it.  Another half-hour of editing the footage together, and we had our footage for "Tobes." 

So for fun I sent the footage to my friend Matt, who at the time was the president of Mach 3-D, the digital media club at Penn State.  Unfortunately, I sent the email to the entire listserv of the club, and soon - very soon - the fur began to fly.

"THIS IS SICK!" said one person's response. 

"WHOEVER THE HELL THIS IS WHO DID THIS IS SICK AND I HATE THEM." said another. 

"FUCKED-UP!  FUCKED-UP!  WHO IS THAT GUY, AND THE GIRL WITH THE TEETH?"

"I WANT OUT OF THIS CLUB IF PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE PSYCHO SHIT LIKE THIS! YOU TOTALLY WASTED MY TIME, SICKO!"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I, of course, am paraphrasing these responses, but not by much.  Matt told me later that a whole bunch of people were so disturbed by this stupid little movie that they actually dropped out of the club. I felt kind of bad, like I became some kind of dragon lady by accident; but that was their problem.
 

So a year passes, I keep the footage on EDG; it finds its way onto the Electric Big-Bang Swingmachine; people get word of its existence; it snowballs.

"EATYOURBABIESEATYOURBABIES!" people shout at me on the streets now.  My cousins are big fans of it.  My sister quotes it.  The entire art department, it seems, knows about Eat Your Babies.  Not to mention the English, Physics and Math departments.  But whatever happened to the REST of the footage, that my footage was supposed to go with?  Bob Yuncken and the Talky Fur since became cult superstars at Penn State - but the original purpose for which it was filmed seemed to have become an abandoned, forgotten project.

It was all fun and games...until one tragic day the truth leaked out.  I checked my email and there, lying in the inbox, was a brief message from Bob. It had been completed, he said, and he included a link. 

YE GODS!  The madness!  The evidence was astounding! Toby's movie footage - the "project", as Bob called it, was actually a propaganda film for cannibalism! Australia, that wacky little island continent, is a hotbed for neonatal consumption!  They're all CRAZY down under!

There's men in viking helmets playing the trombone (Bob's own BROTHER, no less!); and men and women all over the country are out there, chanting EATYOURBABIES!  EATYOURBABIES!  And we're not talking dingoes, either!  People in the cafés; people dipping them in chocolate; people at the kitchen table...all chanting EAT YOUR BABIES!
 
 

I now know how Leni Riefenstahl must feel, being a pawn in the propaganda machine in the name of artistic merit.  Bob had betrayed me as being part of the Great Baby-Eating Conspiracy. 

But it was too late! The mania had spread!  Australia was out to eat young children everywhere!  In that year's time span, everyone in the entire country was shouting out, "EAT YOUR BABIES!" 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What happened?  How did the friendliest country become the mecca of such mass destruction? 

And so, I am forced to remain on this planet, a broken woman, knowing in my heart that I was suckered into participating in one of history's most scandalous agendas: The Great Australian Cannibalism Scheme.  And trust me, my friend, I will never...EVER...take my children to Australia.  Or consume them.  The future is yours, ye mighty.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Click on Air Supply to see Eat Your Babies in its entirety....IF....YOU....HAVE....A....CAST....IRON....STOMACH!!!!!!!!!!!!